Thursday, December 30, 2010

Everything is Groovey

Thinking about going off the grid for a while. Maybe I just need time to think. Not like I haven't had three years or more of time to think. I got nothin'. No answers (although that's no surprise). At peace with myself, for what it's worth. That's more than some can say I guess. I don't think most of my family really gets what it is I'm after. Maybe one or two people. It's not something I can put into words. There is something I want. Or maybe it's a lot of things. Or maybe it's not a "thing" at all. Trucking has seemed the best way to get at it until this year. Now I am thinking it's potential may have reached it's limites, but I don't have a viable alternative. Suggestions I've gotten recently were so far off they were almost funny if it weren't so sad how little they understood what I really wanted. It was like I was speaking a different language. I recently thought I had found someone who would get me. Now I just feel like an idiot for even trying.
No, I am not consistent. I don't try to be. Consistency is not something I value very highly. So it doesn't bother me to contradict myself. For one, I have no issues with changing my mind. Changing your mind is a good way to avoid making decisions you might regret later. Not that I am indecisive. I just hold my ideas and decisions as being "revisable." Secondly, I don't believe that I am, in reality, inconsistant. I just think that language and dialectic reasoning is too narrow to faithfully follow my way of thinking and being. There are gaps, seeming contradictions, and somethings that are just completely lost in translation. That last one is a good metaphor actually. Reality and reason are two different languages. Sometimes it seems there are parallels but there's never really a one-to-one relationship. It is important to realize that they are separate, however. Otherwise we tend to worship reason, and believe that it alone can tell us what do and think; but reason isn't what tells you that wine is good, that sunsets are beautiful, that hurting others is wrong, or that you love your spouse. Reason is useful, yes. It is not, however, sufficient for life, and if we rely on it too heavily, we will miss reality for the sake of an imagined idealized fiction - the way thing "should" be - instead of enjoying and experiencing the way things are. Sometimes it is better to take sensations, and experiences for what they are instead of trying to find meaning in them. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touch may tell us more when we aren't looking for specific answers to specific questions. The best and brightest ideas in history manifested without the subject actively looking for them. Sometimes when you pour all you know into a pot, stir it up and then let it settle, something truly genius floats to the surface. Anyhow this ti raid isn't accomplishing anything except allowing me to stir my own thoughts a bit to see what comes out.

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