Sunday, January 23, 2011


It is interesting to see plans change and evolve. Amazing that there can be so many conflicting interests wrapped up in one person. Security, family, friends, freedom, love, comfort, serenity - all these things that tug us in various directions. There is the part of me that wants to travel, set foot on every content, see the great wonders of the world, then there's the part that wants to meet someone, wake up every day with them, spend my life savoring the difference of another person that is not me and yet trusts and cherishes me as much I them and each as much as ourselves, then there's the part of me that wants to bring up a child, introduce them to the marvels of the world, share my experiences and little wisdom, and watch them grow and surpass me, then yet another part of me that wants to bend all my experience and talent to a purpose, to use all my skill to see it flourish and succeed, to turn what I have into something bigger and better until the return on my investments supports me on it's own, while yet another part of me wants to create music and art, to reach a point where I can make it without thinking, where it just flows, to make something profound and timeless and true, and then there's a part of me that would love nothing more than to be a monk on some far off mountain in some far off country, to do nothing but ponder the mysteries of the universe and of myself, to meditate, and to live simply, purely, and serenely. Given unlimited time and resources, I would do all these and more. I'd study science for the pure pleasure of learning and seeing and discovering - from the atom to the cosmos; I'd read, I'd dig, I'd observe, anthropology, physics, geology, biology...
Time, unfortunately, is not unlimited, and we must make the best of what resources we have. Lately I have been setting aside many ideas that would have been good short term solutions, in favor of long term solutions. The things that I used to want "later" I am beginning to want now. Later is catching up with me.
There are still somethings that take precedent over others. The first is serenity. No, I'm not going to become a monk or any other sort of hermit, appealing as it sounds, because after serenity the next most important thing to me is family. This goes beyond the literal and somewhat overlaps with the next thing; friends. Somewhere mixed up in all that is security and comfort, which is in turn competing with the desire for love and intimacy, and with freedom. It is only after all that when the desire to teach, nurture, protect, and in all other ways enjoy raising up a young person asserts itself.
So, all my wants and wishes spring from, more or less, a desire for serenity, familial love, companionship, security, comfort, intimacy, freedom, and...I'm not even sure what to call the last one. Legacy? That sounds wrong. "Investing in hope" sounds more like it, but maybe even that is misguided. Perhaps it's a subconscious instinct to further the race, or to assert myself biologically on the gene pool. I don't really know. Of all my desires, it is the weakest, but even so it is there.

It is good to occasionally remind myself of what drives me and where my priorities are, and maybe this will clear things up for family and friends who don't seem to understand what exactly it is that I want out of life. Either that or it will just be vague rambling gibberish that only makes sense to me. Oh well. At the very least some future self will get a laugh out of it, reading it 10 years from now. How goes it Future Self? I hope I've done well for you! Anyhow, don't worry about me! Focus on the present! BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

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